Goodbye
by munrochambers4ever
Summary: Sequel to Broken. Now that Julia is gone, Eli is trying to be happy again. When he meets Clare Edwards is he able to move on or will his memories of Julia keep him away?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Wow. So if you follow me on Tumblr, you know that I've been wanting to upload this story for a while but I kept forgetting to the notebook it was in out of my locker. Well, today I got it. So here's chapter one. Again, kinda erase everthing you knew about Degrassi haha. Just read "Broken" first. Eli's POV. **

The music wasnt helping. It usually never does. I could always hear her last word.

"Always,"

It ws so perky and innocent and happy. I turned the volume up higher on my iPod. It didnt drown out the sound of her voice. Her name was on the tip of my tongue and my mouth burned to say it. I tried to focus on the lyrics. _Tonight's a perfect shade of Dark blue, dark blue, have you ever_-"Always,"

I shook my head. It has been three months. Three months and fourteen days that I have lived without Julia. _You deserve to think about her, right?_ I thought. _Maybe say her name once or twice._

"Julia," I whispered and my mouth stung.

"Eli," an angel's voice sang. No. It was just my imagination. I couldn't really hear an angle.

"Eli!" Someone smacked my shoulder and I looked up.

"KC," I said, pulling the ear buds out of my ears. "What's up?"

"Could your music be any louder?" he asked.

"Sorry. Just trying not to think,"

"About _her_?" he asked. KC was careful not to say her name around me. It was hard for him, too, but he didnt know what me and Julia had.

"Yeah," I sighed.

"Well, c'mon, the bell rang," I looked around and realized we were the only two in the cafeteria.

"Oh. Uh, right," I picked up my iPod and my uneaten lunch and walked up the stairs.

I walked into class and interupted Miss Dawes' class. "Mr. Goldsworthy," she said. "Late on the first day. And dont give me the excuse that you got lost because you're a Senior...again,"

I scowled at her. "I know, Miss Dawes, I know,"

Has she ever been what I've been through? Who does she think she is, annoucning to the whole class that I failed a grade? Does she ever think about what I'm going through? What I _went_ through to fail?

"Hmm. I guess you're gonna have to take the only open seat next to...uhm, sweeties, what's your name again?"

"Clare,"

I turned to the sound of the voice and looked at my new classmate. She was pretty, I guess. She had bright blue eyes that caught my attention and curly auburn hair. But, I couldn't _really_ look at her. I couldnt take in her whole face or what she really looked like. And if I looked at her too long, I started noticing Julia things. Her eyelids were the same pinkish color, like right before the sun rises and her lips were almost as full and plump as Julia's.

I turned my head back to Miss Dawes. "Well, go on, take a seat,"

I nodded and walked over to my new seat. I sat down next to Clare and nodded.

"Alrightie," Miss Dawes clapped her hands. "To start the year off, I want you guys to get to know each other. Get to know your partner. So...turn to the person next to you and talk about whatever. Just get to know each other,"

I slightly turned to Clare. "I'm Eli Goldsworthy," I held my hand out.

She took my hand and shook it. Her hands were soft, I guess. She had a ring on her finger and her nails were pink. "I'm Clare Edwards,"

_She's pretty_. The voice in my head whispered. Funny how the more days went on, the more that voice started to sound like Julia.

"You're pretty," I blurted.

"Aw, uhm, thanks," she smiled and a light pink colored painted her cheeks. The color reminded me too much of Julia's blush - whenever I saw it.

"Yeah, no problem. So, uh, how are you liking the school so far?"

"It's only the first day and I'm a new student. I can't really say yet,"

"Really? I've been new here. It's no fun,"

"No," she agreed. "But the people seem really nice,"

I nodded. "Yeah, most of us are,"

"Are you nice?"

My face twitched and I almost smiled. I couldn't even _remember_ if I was nice. I hadnt smiled in three months, laughed in three months..._lived_ in three months. I hadnt felt anything or talked to anyone but KC. I wasnt sure if that could be considered _nice_. "I'm not very...social," I said. That could work, too.

The bell rang and I stood up, ready to bolt.

"Eli!" Clare called as I headed for the door.

I stopped and turned on my heel. I raised my eyebrows.

"Do you know where room 246 is?"

"Yeah, I'll walk you," I offered. It was on my way there. Why not?

"Thank you so much," she gathered her books and dumped them in her bag and followed me out the door.

"So, uh, do you have a boyfriend?" I asked casually. I didnt know if I was interested. I didnt know anything.

"I did," she said. "But things just didnt work out,"

"That's too bad. What was his name?"

"Brandon,"

I stopped dead in my tracks and I felt my heart stop. My breathing caught in my throat and suddenly I was gasping for air, pulling it in with quick breaths. I probably looked like I was choking. My chest felt like it was caving in.

"Eli?" Clare asked. "What's wong?"

"You're room is two to the left, first door," I choked out in a whispered. I turned and walked away as fast as I could and ran right into KC.

"Dude! What are you doing? That's a cute girl and you're letting her walk away from you!"

"Her ex-boyfriend's name is Brandon," I whispered. "I haven't heard that name since..." I trailed off because I couldnt finish my sentence. It hurt way too much to say it outloud.

"Man, I'm sorry," KC said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You alright?"

No, I wasnt alright! Did I look alright? I was standing here, gasping for air, trying to get the images of my dead baby boy and my dead girlfriend out of my mind. I havent been alright in a long time and I dont think I would ever be. "I'm going home early. Cover for me,"

**Author's Note: alright so just an opening. Eli will get more intense and he will suffer more pain and you'll get a look at what he feels like after Julia. If you like this...please review. Thanks! xoxo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: So I got 1 review haha(: Lol. anyway, ive suddenly gotten a social life and i didnt have time to upload but i promise i will be fast. just a warning, this book may seem a little supernatural. i'm leaving it up to the reader to decide if it's supernatural, or if eli's just crazy(: well, here you go:**

I drove back to my empty apartment. It was always so cold here after Julia died. The whole building just looked lifeless. I sat down and turned my computer on. The name Brandon was still ringing in my ears and I cringed everytime I thought of my son.

I was spinning around in my swivel chair, waiting for iTunes to load, when I heard her again. It sounded louder and closer. "Eli,"

"Eli," she said again.

Part of me felt like she was right there and part of me felt like I was loosing it. I spun around in my chair and stood up.

Time stood still.

Julia stood before me and I stopped breathing. My eyes locked on hers.

"Julia," I gasped. My mind was running a thousand miles an hour. Asking questions that couldnt be answered. What was going on? Why was she here? She's dead, right? How is this possible? Am I crazy?

She seemed to float towards me and embrace me. I locked my arms around her body.

Hugging an angel - and I knew that she was one - felt unreal. It was like her body was there and not there at the same time. Like I was hugging air, but I could feel pressure, like I was actually hugging her.

"Oh, I've missed you," she sighed in my ear and let me go. I couldnt respond. I just stared at her.

"She's pretty," Julia smiled at me. "Clare. Dont loose her, Eli. She can make you happy. Remember..." she leaned close and I closed my eyes. "I'll always be with you," she whispered.

I felt the faintest pressure on my lips and I knew she was kissing me. When I opened my eyes and there was no one there. I shook my head and sat back down. I couldnt move or breathe. For the next twenty minutes I sat there, trying to convince myself I wasnt crazy.

.

.

.

The next day, I drove to school, still thinking about what happened the night before. Being in my car always reminded me of Julia. All the times we've been in this car, drove in this car, kissed in this car...sometimes it was too much to think about.

KC was waiting for me on the front steps. I got out of Morty and walked up to him.

"KC, man, I gotta talk to you. And you're gonna think I'm crazy, but you're the only one that understands,"

"What is it? Something about Julia?"

I flinched involuntary at her name. "I saw her, KC,"

"Huh?"

"I _saw_ her. She...she hugged me and she...kissed me," I looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze. I knew he would think I was crazy.

"Whoa...Uhm, are you sure you weren't dreaming?"

I shook my head. "She told me not to loose Clare. She said that...Clare could make me happy,"

"Go with it," he pushed. I glanced back up at him. "I mean, an...angel came to you and told you not to loose something and you're not gonna listen?"

"I didnt say that," I muttered.

"Eli-"

"KC," I interrupted. "I just dont know if I can _be_ happy. I understand that Jules knows what she's talking about. I mean she's up there with God and everything so she understand what's gonna happen, but I cant imagine being happy with anyone else. I've never _been_ happy with anyone else. She has my kid up there, KC, how do you expect me to be happy?"

"I know it's hard, man, I know. I loved her, too, but if she's coming to you and telling you to do things, dont you think you should at least _try_ to listen to her?"

"But-"

"Just try," he cut me off. "Who knows? Maybe Julia's right. Eli, she wants you to be happy. She sees how unhappy you are and doesnt like it,"

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm serious. Eli, when we were in the group home and she was going through everything she told me that she was only happy when you were happy. Tell me something, are you unhappy?"

"Yes," I whispered, holding back tears.

"And now so is she. So if you want Julia to be happy, you need to be to be happy...and there's how," he pointed and I looked. Clare was walking up the front steps.

I sighed. "Hey, Clare!" _This is for Julia_, I thought. _I want Julia to be happy._

She turned. "Hi, Eli,"

"Can I walk you to class?"

"Sure," she smiled and I walked over to her, holding the door open.

I gave KC a look as we walked through the doors. "So what was the problem yesterday? Was it something I said?" she wondered.

"Oh, nothing. The name...Brandon..."I choked out the name, fighting the images. "It brings back some...bad memories,"

"Oh, I'm sorry," she answered.

"So where is your class?" I asked. I needed to be alone. She told me it was right around the corner and I walked faster. I let her go at the door, forcing a smile and ran to the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall and cried silently.

I know I could be happy.

**Author's note: pretty longish right? Well, I hope you guys like it. by the way, Eli isnt athiest in this. Do you think he's crazy? Please review...**

**oh and my Flare story hasnt been updated because i'm running out of ideas. I'll probably update it soon though(: **


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Welll my reviews went up a little and i'm extremely bored so i'll update this. i'm also writing a munro fanfiction and i dontk now if i wannt post it on here or on tumblr so if you guys could let me know that'd be great. here we gooo:**

The rest of my day dragged on painfully. I couldnt stop thinking about Julia or her angel form. All throughout the day, I could hear her more intently. I was really starting to think I was crazy.

I walked into sixth period at the end of the day. I didnt go yesterday because I went home early so I wasnt sure what to expect.

"Eli?" someone said from behind me. The voice was so close to Julia's that I had to stop for a minute before I turned around.

"Clare?"

"You're in theater production class?" she smiled at me.

"Yeah. I love camera work. I wanna be a camera guy for the news when I get older,"

"That sounds cool,"

I followed her to the back of the classroom and sat next to her.

Mr. Bedini walked in and clapped his hands. "Okay, class, to begin today's exercise, I want you to pick a partner. Tell them how you're feeling and why. It's important to be in touch with your emotions and you need to be comfortable expressing them,"

How was I feeling? Miserable. Broken. Cold. Dead. Empty. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Hateful. Shocked. Terrible. Shattered. Beaten. Why did I feel this way? Three words: Julia was dead.

"Eli, would you like to be my partner?" Clare asked.

"Sure," I shrugged and adjusted my seat so I was facing her.

She took in a deep breath. "Well, I'm feeling...I dont know. Happy? Excited? I'm anxious for the year,"

Happy, excited and anxious. What a happy girl. She shouldnt be taking to me.

"What about you? What are you feeling?" she asked.

Julia's name burned in my mouth. I ached to say it. "I feel..." Could I do it? Could I tell her what I was truly feeling? "Tired," I finally answered.

"No sleep last night?" she guessed with a laugh.

"Not really,"

"Talk to her," Julia whispered in my ear and I flinched at the voice. I didnt want to talk to her. I didnt want to like her. _I dont wannt be happy without you, Jules_. I thought.

Mr. Bedini interupted my thoughts. "Now I want you to use three words to describe how you were feeling on your worse day ever. We need to be closer to each other as a class and express past feelings if we want to experience knew ones,"

Clare turned to me. "Scared, angry and confused,"

I sighed. "Empty, sad, lifeless," I admitted.

A few seconds of silence and Mr. Bedini called our attention again. "Now take out a piece of paper and write down what happened that day. There are no secrets in this class,"

Clare scribbled something down on a piece of paper while I sat there. I was thinking about that day. That _moment_ I found out she was dead...

_"She's been gone an awful long time," KC said, putting the paint brush in a bucket._

_"Maybe she just decided to shop more. You know girls in stores,"_

_"Well...alright," he said, unconvinced._

_I put my pain brush in a bucket. "You wanna go walk over there and get her?"_

_"Sure," KC grabbed his shoes and slid them on. We walked outside and stood shocked at the large crowd of people at the end of the block. There was an ambulance there and you could hear the paramedics yelling over the crowd._

_"What's going on?" KC asked and we made our way to the front of the crowd. _

_My eyes caught sight of the body strapped to the gurny. My whole world stopped. I felt my eyes fill with tears and my chest started to cave in._

_"Julia!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I pushed past the crowd and up to the ambulance, KC following me. _

_"Sir, you have to step back. Please,"_

_My eyes stayed locked on Julia's chest. It wasnt moving. I was just waiting for it to rise and fall again, but it stayed still._

_"Sir, please step back," The paramedic gently pushed me and I roughly pushed him back, climbing into the ambulance after Julia. My body was numb and I felt like I was cracking, piece by piece._

_"Sir!" the paramedic called, but I just clutched Julia's hand looking over her, staring at her eyelids, begging for them to open. _

_"That's her boyfriend. Maybe you should let him go," KC said. _

_When we arrived at the hospital, they told me I had to stay in the waiting room while Julia went into surgery. Apparently when the car hit her, the pressure caved her chest in and punctured her heart and lungs. They said there might be a chance Brandon would live, though. He would just be very premature and have many mental problems. But he might live, though. _

_I sat in the chair, rocking back and forth. KC stepped through the doors and he ran to me. I was shaking, and my stomach was dry heaving. I couldnt believe this, this wasnt real. I couldnt do this. Everything in my was broken. I was barely holding on. _

_"What's going on? What happened?" KC asked, sitting next to me._

_"She's gone,"_

_"I thought she was in surgery,"_

_"She is. They're trying to save Brandon, but wheteher they do or not, Julia's gone,"_

_"You might still get your son, though, Eli. Think positive,"_

_"How can I think positive when she's gone? Of course I want Brandon, but I need Julia. It's more than love and more than I want. I need her to live," I whispered._

_The doctor came out and found me. He came over and stood over me. I couldnt bring myself to stand. "Mr. Goldsworthy, I'm terribly sorry for your loss,"_

_"What about my son?"_

_"We couldnt save him,"_

_And that was it. The edge I was clinging to had broken, and I had slipped off, falling into a wave of pain and darkness. I felt myself fall into the hell that was now my life._

"Eli!" Clare snapped in my face and I shuddered back into reality, gasping. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, taking in slow breaths. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine,"

She slid me the piece of paper. I unfloded it and glance it over. _I had a pregnancy scare_. It read.

"Your turn," she whispered.

The scenes were replaying in my head and the pain of that night was indescribable. Unbearable. I couldnt think of it. "No," I said.

"Huh?"

"No! You dont need to know. I dont even know you! Why am I gonna share my secrets? No!"

"Eli, I'm just doing what we were told to do,"

"Is there a problem?" Mr. Bedini came over to us.

"Yes, there is," I stood up and face him.

"Tell me what you're feeling," he said easily.

"No. You dont need to know. Nobody needs to know how I'm feeling and what my secrets are. That's nobody's buisness but my own,"

"Mr. Goldsworthy, I understand your point of veiw. Tell you what, if you can answer me one question, we can move on from feelings and secrets to another activity,"

"What question?" I growled.

"How are you? One word - how you are feeling the majority of the time,"

I rolled my eyes. "See that's my point! Why does anyone need to know how I always feel? Nobody cares! So what's the point?"

"I just wanna know," he shrugged.

"Eli," the angel voice sang in my head. "How are you feeling?"

I had to answer her. I'd do anything for her, even if she wasnt tangibly here.

"Empty," I answered. "Wrong. Unhappy. Scared. Angry. Confused. Lonely,"

Mr. Bedini nodded. "I applaud you for sharing your feelings. We dont need to ask why. We can move on now,"

I wasnt listening to him because Julia's voice was filling my ears. "I'm sorry..."

"No," I whispered back.

"Excuse me?" Mr. Bedini asked.

"Shh!"

"I'm sorry I left you, Eli..." she sang. "I'm always with you, though. Always here. But go to Clare. She can make you happy. Eli, go. I'm sorry. I love you,"

.

.

.

Was I crazy? I had two theories in mind for what was happening.

Theory one: I missed Julia so much that I was imagining her voice to calm myself. So I didnt do drugs or start cutting. I thought I heard her voice, because that's what I wanted to hear.

Theory two: Julia was an angel that really came to me. We loved each other so much that nothing was stopping us. She came to me from Heaven so she could help me cope with being alone

I wasnt sure which theory was true.

**Author's note: sorry if that was long. I added the flashback just so you could find out how Eli found out. Also, I cant remember who is Degrassi theater production teacher so I made up a name. lastly, which theory do you think is true?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: So there's like two people reading this but THAT IS OKAY because i love you two(: this chapter will probably be short because i gotta leave, but yeah... **

The next day at school, I was on edge. Now that her voice was coming more regularly, I had to be careful. I couldnt speak to her outloud and I still didnt know what I looked like when she spoke to me. What my facial expressions looked like.

KC was waiting for me on the steps, as usual. "Hey, man, what's up he?" he asked.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" I blurted as I drop down to the steps. KC was really the only person that understood what I was going through.

"What do you mean?"

"You know, because I hear her. Like, the voice in my head. Maybe I'm schizophrenic or something. But it's _always_ her voice,"

"I dont think you're crazy," KC answered honestly. He was looking into the sky, thinking. "I think you love her. Maybe she really does come talk to you, I dont know, but you hear her because you love her. And if you want my advice, listen to what she says,"

I sighed. "I know you want me to be with Clare, but I dont even know if I want to,"

"Get to know her,"

It wasnt KC's voice that said it. I locked in place like I always did and focused on her voice. Was it really her voice? Or my imagination?

_But I love you._ I thought. _I wanna be with you._

"I'm not here right now. Clare is," Yep, it was definetly her voice.

_But I can hear you._

"It's not the same. Trust me, Eli, Clare can take you and make you happy,"

_How? I never feel happy._

"You haven't given her a chance,"

_I love you, though._

"I love you, too,"

_I wont be with someone if I'm happy with you._

"Please? Eli, for me. I want you to be happy,"

I sighed in defeat. I would do anything for Julia and I mean anything. If she wanted me to move on, I guess I would have to.

_Okay. But I need to ask you something_. I thought this hesitantly. I've never asked her anything and this could still be my imagination telling me what I wanted to hear.

There was no response and I took this as an oppurtunity to ask my question. _What about Brandon?_

"He's here. He's with me and he's always with you, too,"

_What does he look like?_

"Exactly like you..." Her voice began to fade like it usually does when she's done talking. I thought for a minute, trying to picture a little baby looking like me, being held by Julia.

"Eli!" KC yelled.

"What?" I snapped back, annoyed. Usually, I was either tormented or safe inside my mind and this was one of those rare times I was safe.

"Were you...were you talking to Julia just now?" he asked, giving me a sideways look.

"Kinda. I heard her and she answered my thoughts,"

"Those werent thoughts, Eli. You were saying that outloud,"

"I was?" I asked. Crap. Now I would have to be _extra, extra_ careful talking to her if I was talking outloud. "I guess I never noticed."

"I need to ask you something," he said indifferently. "Why doesnt she talk to me?"

I shrugged. "I dont know. I think I'm just crazy,"

We got up off the stairs and walked through the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: sorry i havent uploaded guys, i've been really busy, but here is the next chapter. A few things, no KC is not jealous of Julia talking to Eli. Some people took it a different way, but he was supposed to be joking around like "why doesnt she talk to me?" faking being mad, haha. And I know a lot of you want Eclare fluff, but there wont be much - if any in this book. It's mostly about Eli's agnst of loosing Julia. **

When I saw Clare in 4th period, I didnt hesitate, just walked over and sat down next to her.

"Hi, Eli," she smiled.

"Clare, would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?" I asked all in one breath.

She looked at my kinda confused.

"I know it's sudden," I said. "But I just...want to,"

"Uhmm, sure," she answered.

"Great. So I need your address so I can pick you up,"

Fear started to spread through my body as she wrote her address on a peice of paper. Was I really gonna do this? Go on a date? I didnt even remember _how_ to go on a date. The last date I was on was with Julia after her trial with her brother.

"Thanks," I managed to say as she passed me the paper.

"I just wanna warn you, my parents are going to want to meet you,"

"Oh. Well, that's okay,"

"Really? Alright," she blushed and smiled, looking down at her desk.

"So, I'll pick you up at seven?"

"Okay,"

.

.

.

I looked in the mirror, disgusted by my pale skin and the dark circles under my eyes. I never slept anymore and it was really starting to show. I sighed and looked at the clock. 15 minutes untill I had to pick up Clare. I laughed at how nervous I felt. I havent felt nervous since-

I stopped that thought. I love Julia, but I needed to focus on Clare tonight.

"I'm proud of you," Julia whispered.

I nodded and spoke outloud, looking back into the mirror. "I love you, Jules, but I'm trying to be happy. Please dont hate me,"

"I could never hate you,"

"Thank you," I breathed feverently.

"Anytime," she breathed in my ear. She felt close and I tensed up. This is just my imagination, she's not anywhere near me.

"Julia, I love you and I love hearing you, but I need to focus on Clare tonight. Can we talk when I get home?" I felt silly asking my imagination to shut up. I just needed silence and since my self-concious refused to believe that it wasnt real, I thought I'd give it a shot and ask.

There was no reply. I checked my watch and walked out the door to Morty.

.

.

.

Clare's house had one light on inside and the porch light. I swallowed, suddenly nervous, and grabbed the flowers I bought, then walked up the porch and rang the doorbell.

Clare answered the door. "Hi, Eli!" she smiled.

"You look beautiful,"

And she really did. She had on a black skirt with blue flats and a blue button up shirt. Her make-up was light and her hairy was bouncing as she moved.

"Thanks," she blushed.

Clare's parents came to the door and stood next to her.

"Mr and Mrs Edwards," I held my hand out and Mr. Edwards shook it, while Mrs. Edwards just smiled.

"My name is Elijah,"

"Nice to meet you," Mrs. Edwards said.

"How old are you Elijah?" Mr. Edwards asked, and I could hear the concern in his voice.

"Nineteen," I answered, ashamed.

"I thought you were a senior?"

"I am," I swallowed. "I was...held back,"

Mr. Edwards raised his eyebrows and I could see him judging. Everyone did. "Really? Why?"

I swallowed again. My throat felt dry. "Some things happened to me last year and I fell behind on my studies,"

"What did you say your last name was?"

"Goldsworthy,"

I knew he would recognize the name. I was mentioned in Julia's obituary. He would bring her up, and I wasnt ready for that. I would crack. I would leave. I would just run.

"You're that kid that got shot last year?" he asked.

I sighed in relief and I felt like I could breathe again. "Yes,"

"Well, you sure are brave. Clare, 10:30," he dissmissed.

Clare nodded and followed me to my car. I opened the door and let her in, then walked over to the drivers seat.

"So...are those flowers for me?" she asked.

I think I blushed. This was all so different. "Yeah," I handed them over to her and she smiled, smelling them.

I sighed and started the car. This was for Julia. I would be happy for her.

At least, I'd _try_ to be happy for her.

**Author's note: the next chapter will obviously be their date and we'll get to see a little bit more about how much pain Eli's in. review review review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I know I havent uploaded and I'm sorry. But yeah, here's the next chapter.**

When we got to the resturaunt, a waiter took us to a table and we sat down. He placed the menus on the table and we looked them over silently. We didnt talk much on the car ride here. I had nothing to say. I didnt know what I was supposed to say.

A waitress came over and took the menus from us, taking our order.

"Hi, I'll be your server tonight. My name is Julia,"

My breathing caught in my throat and I struggled not to choke. This wasnt happening. No. Not here. Please.

"Hi, Julia," Clare smiled. "I'll have the spaghetti and a small Coke, please,"

"Okay," she said happily. "And for you?" she turned to me.

I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and tried to clear my mind. "Uh...I...Uhm," I whispered and then pointed to something on the menu. "That. I'll have that,"

She looked at my menu and wrote something down. "And to drink?"

"A coke," I muttered.

"Alright. I'll be right back with your food,"

Once she was gone, I could think a little better. I swallowed again and looked at Clare. She wasnt looking at my funny, so my freak-out must not have been noticable.

We didnt talk. The food came within a few minutes. I realized I ordered the mushroon ravioli and began eating it. We ate in silence and I as comfortable with it. I didnt really like talking anymore. I was always afraid something would remind me of Julia or something would triger her voice. I was unstable.

I was crazy.

Once we were done, I left a tip on the table and paid up front. We walked to my car and got in. Clare held the flowers I got her close to her and smiled. "So we still have an hour to kill. What do you wanna do?" she asked.

I put the car in drive and shrugged. "Wanna go to the park?"

"Sure,"

.

.

.

Once I drove there, we didnt get out. I pulled the keys out of the ignition and set the on the dashboard. I leanded back and rested my head on the headrest. I couldnt wait for this night to be over so I could go and lie down on my couch. After three months, I was used to the nightmares and actually welcomed them.

"So you got shot last year?" Clare asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. It was...odd. I was completely out of it. I dont really remember it, but I know it hurt,"

"I can imagine. But why would someone shoot you?" I dont think she noticed, but she moved a little closer to me on the benched seats.

"Jealously," I muttered. It was close enough. I still wasnt sure of the real reason Fitz shot me.

She nodded, realizing I didnt want to discuss it anymore and pressed her lips together.

It finally hit me that this was the worst date she'd probably ever been on. I hadnt really said anything to her and when I did talk, I sounded mean.

I looked at her and smiled, trying to pass off some kind of emotion. I tried to talk normal, and not sound dead. I'm not sure if it worked. "I'm glad I asked you out tonight, Clare. I had fun,"

She smiled at me, her whole face lighting up and moved closer to me. "Well, I had fun, too," she whispered and moved even closer.

I realized what she was trying to do, what she wanted. My eyes widened a bit, before I closed them. I moved my mouth closer to her until I could feel her breath on my lips. I leaned in a bit closer, waiting for her to make a move.

Julia.

I pulled away quickly, sucking in a deep breath of air. I couldnt. I could not do this. No matter how bad I wanted to be happy for Julia, I couldnt be with someone else. I wouldnt betray her like that.

"I'm sorry, I cant," I whispered.

Clare scooted over. "I get it if you dont wanna kiss me. I really do. You dont like me. What I dont understand is why you asked me out. Was it a dare? Did you feel sorry for me?"

"No. No, not at all! I like you. I...want to, it's just..." I struggled with myself. Could I tell her? Should I?

"We barely know each other?" she guessed.

"No, that's not it," I closed my eyes, still fighting with myself. I dont even know if I could force the words out.

"I believe in you, Eli," Julia's voice whispered and I broke.

I felt my eyes fill up with tears and I opened my mouth. Before I could get the words out, Clare spoke again. "Well, can you at least tell me why?"

"I'm still in love with my dead girlfriend," I whispered. After a few moments of silence, I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was staring at me.

"There. I said it," I was starting to talk a bit louder, but I realized what I had just done. Everything - all my emotions, hurt, anger - came pouring out of me. I felt my tears spill over and I tried to stop them, but failed. I was finally letting myself feel. "I had a girlfriend of two years and nine months," I told Clare, still sobbing uncontrolably. "We were so in love. More than a teenage fling. We both had to grow up over night. We knew love and pain when we felt it. Through everything we've been through, we stayed together," I felt my sobs speed up and I choked on air. "But then she died. she got hit by a car...and I was left completely alone in my pain with no one to understand,"

"Eli," Clare whispered. "I am so-"

I cut her off before she could finish. I've hear _I'm sorry_ so many times and it never helped anything.

"I didnt even tell you the worst part," I struggled to keep from shouting. _All_ of my emotions were coming out all at once. "She was pregnant with my child. Brandon Alexander..." she whispered brokenly.

"Eli...I cant even imagine what you're going through,"

"I'm alone with no one else who feels the same way I do. I have _nobody_," I said through my teeth.

I felt ridiculous for crying like this. I hadnt cried about it since the funeral, but not I couldnt stop. "I'm sorry," I whispered through my tears. "I'll take you home now,"

I put the car in drive and pulled out.

**Author's note: omg did you guys see the new DTW promo? Jesus. PM about it or tumblr. anyhoo, review...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: No school for me today. Updating like yeah~**

When I got home from dropping Clare off, I sat in the corner of my room and bawled. I was curled into a fetal position and I just said there and cried so hard. I've kept my feelings about Julia bottled up for a while and now that they've coming pouring out, I couldnt stop them. I missed her terribly. I _needed_ her back.

I stood up on shakey legs and walked to the bathroom, keeping my hands on the wall to stable myself. My tears hadnt stopped pouring out and my chest ached from sobbing. I looked at myself in the mirror, still crying. My face and eyes were red as a tomato and the constant flow of tears from my eyes made them look redder.

Opening the medicine cabinet with trembling hands, I grabbed a razor. The cool metal comforted me and my sobs quiet down, but I still cried.

How have I been living without her? Why did I want to?

I brought the sharp end of the razor to my wrist and took a deep breath. I wanted to be with Julia at any cost and I would pay the ultimate price. All it would take was just the right amount of pressure. Shouldnt be too hard to see her again.

"No," Julia's voice rang loud, clear and demanding in my ear.

_Why not?_ I thought.

"Dont," she ordered. I know what her face would look like if she was here talking to me like this. It only made me want to be with her more.

_I wanna be with you._

"No."

_Yes_. I angled the razor so it was directly over my vein.

"For me?"

Those two words made me drop the razor in the sink and grip my hair. I screamed out wordlessly in anger. No matter what the time, place, or request I would do _anything_ for Julia. I slammed the medicine cabnet shut and watched as a crack formed in the mirror.

After staring at myself in the mirror for a long time and realizing what a mess I was, I walked into the living room and laid down on the couch. I hadn't slept in my bed since Julia died. It wouldnt feel right without her beside me.

My sobs started up again and I clutched my stomach. This continued for a few more hours until I fell asleep.

**Author's note: not the best, but I hope it'll get better. It was kinda short, but it was mostly a filler. the next chapter will be the next day and SPOILER: Clare does something that causes Eli to **_**really**_** breakdown. What do you think it'll be?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: I never update anymore. I'm sorry. I hope you guys like this chapter. It's one of my favorites. Sorta. Here you go...**

The next day I planned to apologize to Clare, but she found when I got out of the car. "Eli," she said smiling, her curls bouncing. She looked very excited. "I have something for you. Me and KC put it together,"

She grabbed my hand and pulled me into school. I hadnt said anything yet, because I was nervous about this "surprise." Surprises never worked out for me. Clare pulled me into the auditorium and pushed me into a seat next to KC then disapeared.

"What's all this about?" I whispered to KC and I heard someone shush us. Clare stepped forward and pushed a button.

The screen came down slowly from the ceiling until it stopped. It was a big screen movie-projector type thing. The lights went off and Clare sat down next to me.

A song started to play and I instantly recognized it. It was a song Julia wrote for me on our one year anniversary. It was called "Black Skinny Jeans." She even sung it for me that night and recorded it so I could always listen to it. Last I knew, it was at her house.

I shifted in my seat. What kind of slideshow was this?

The pictures started appearing. Oe fading into the other while Julia's voice sung over them.

They were all pictures of Julia. Or me and Julia. Or Julia and JT. Or Julia and Spinner. Or Julia and KC. It was a complete slide show of Julia. My chest started to feel tight and I was having trouble breathing. I wanted to look away, but my eyes stayed glued to the pictures of her beautiful face. My hands started to shake.

More and more pictures flashed across the screen. All of them were happy. Everyone was smiling. It was of happier times. My mouth felt dry and my chest became even tighter to the point where it hurt. These images needed to stop. I hadnt looked at a picture of Julia since the funeral. I-I just couldnt handle it and I couldnt handle it now.

A picture of Brandon's sonogram flashed breifly across the screen.

That did it.

I stood up, desperate for the picture of my unborn dead son to leave my mind. That was _my_ baby. Julia and me-we created life that never got to live.

I ran up the stage and ripped with all of my strength until the screen fell. It was torn and I didnt care.

The lights turned on and I realized I was crying.

"Eli!" Clare screamed. I didnt want to look at her. I didnt want to see her face.

"SHUT UP!" I sreamed at the top of my lungs. "How dare you? How _dare_ you? You think you know me? You dont! I hate you! Why? Why would you even think this is okay? Why would you even _consider_ doing this? Did you stop and think about how it would affect me? I loved her! I still do! Julia is my _everything_! I dont ever wanna look at you again, Clare! I hate you!"

I stormed out of the auditorium. I meant every word I said. I absoluetly _hated_ Clare at the moment. I just wanted my Julia back. I ran to my car and locked myself in there, playing the first song that came on and blasting it until the car shook. It didnt block out the pictures or memories. Or my past life where I could actually be happy.

"Why?" I screamed. "Jules, I thought she could make me happy! "

"Give her a chance," Julia whispered.

"No! I gave her a chance and she ruined all the barriers I put up!"

"Dont be afraid to feel,"

"Well I am! Okay? No one needs to know how I'm feeling! That's my problem! _My_ feelings! My buisness!"

"Just feel..."

KC knocked on the window.

"Go away!" I yelled. He shook his head.

I sighed and unlocked the door, turning the volume down.

"I know what Clare did was over the top," he started.

"She doesnt even know me," I spit.

"She found my number and called me last night. She told me what happened on your date and she wanted to know more about Julia. I told her. She wanted to help you feel emotion. She said she could tell you were hiding your feelings and that's not good. So we put together this slideshow,"

"I dont care. She has no idea what it's like. Julia was my _everything_. All I ever had and all I ever wanted,"

"I know," he whispered.

"No you dont know!" I argued. "And you wanna know what else you dont know? You dont know what it's like to have a child you never met - but already loved - die! I never got to meet him and I never will. I'll never be able to be happy without her, KC," I was shaking again, my tears streaming down my face without me knowing.

"Calm down, Eli, calm down,"

"You know I almost killed myself last night?" I whispered. "I was close. Blade to wrist, but she convinced me not to,"

"The voice in your head convinced you not to?" I could hear the judging in his voice and I didnt care anymore what people thought.

"I dont know how to live without her,"

"You dated her for two years. What were you like before you met her?"

"Happy. But how can I be happy now? For God sakes, KC, she was carrying my baby when she died,"

"Eli, I understand. I loved her, too. But you need to be happy-"

"Oh my god!" I screamed. "If I have to tell you one more time I swear I _will_ kill myself. I. Cannot. Be. Happy. Without. Julia." I spit through my clenched teeth. I was shaking again.

"You never try!" he screamed back at me. "You keep holding onto her and you really just need to let her go!"

"Get out of my car. Now. Get out! I love her and I wont let her go,"

KC sighed, but did as I told him to. I watched him walk back into school before I broke down. I sat there, crying, shaking. I could barley breathe. I needed to hold it together. Tape myself back up and hide my feelings again where they wont come out.

"KC's right," Julia whispered.

"No," I sobbed. "No, he's not,"

"Eli, move on. Let me go. Be happy,"

"Stop," I begged. "I wont let you go,"

"I'll always be with you, Eli, but you need to let me go and move on. Let go..." she breathed.

"No," I sobbed harder. This couldnt be goodbye.

"Goobye, Eli..."

I fell over and laid my head against the steering wheel, crying so hard my body was shaking. I prayed and prayed for death to come.

I started the car. Maybe I could drive. Drive off a bridge or into a lake. Anything to take away this pain.

"_Elijah_," Julia commanded. I could hear the authority in her voice. "Never. Dont you _ever_ kill youself,"

I yanked my keys out of Morty and through them on the floor. I put my head back on the steering wheel and held my chest, hoping I could hold myself together. Then I just let a wave of tears crash over me.

**Author's note: good? badd? the next chapter is the last and Eli explains how he met Julia and everything else to Clare. review(:**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: This author's note will be kinda long, but you should still read it. Someone asked if there was gonna be a sequel to this and well...I have this story and Broken written out in notebooks and I do actually have two other sequels to this, but to be completely honest, I hate them. I'm not just being modest or too hard on myself but they really are terrible and I would be ashamed to put them on here so I'm editing the ending to Goodbye and ending it how it all ends in the fourth one. I hope this makes sense. This isnt the ending I have written in my notebook but it's how the seqeuls to this were gonna end anyway. Sorry to disapoint anyone. This will be a pretty long chapter I think so bare with me(:**

I didnt stop crying until nightfall when I just passed out. I was already drained and tired and crying just took more out of me. When I woke up I was still in the school parking lot. I had no idea what time it was.

My head was pounding and my eyes were sore. I reached around on the floor until I found my keys and then I started driving. To be completely honest, I wanted to die. I wanted to escape this pain that was now my life. I know Julia didnt want me to and she'd probably hate me for this, but I had no intentions of seeing tomorrow.

I glanced at the clock and noticed it was around seven-thirty. I had decided last night that Clare needed an explaination before I was gone. She needed closure. I drove to her house and sent her a text, telling her to come outside. I almost didnt expect her to and I was surprised when she opened the door and walked to Morty.

She got in and I could feel the tension in the car. "Clare, I'm sorry for what I said to you yesterday,"

"It's okay," she said. She still sounded a little bitter about it. "I shouldnt have put together the slideshow. You're right, I dont know you and I didnt know Julia. I'm sorry,"

"Would you like to?" I asked. She looked at me confused. "Would you like to know about me and Julia and our relationship? So you know why I acted like I did,"

She nodded and I started the car. "It's a pretty long story. I hope you dont have any intentions on being early to school,"

Clare shrugged and I started driving. It was a silent car ride. Finally, we got to the park. I found the bench I was looking for and sat down, motioning for Clare to sit next to me. I stared at the ground and began to tell my story.

"I was a new student Sophomore year. I wasnt used to the school, obviously, and I asked Julia where my homeroom was. Like how to get there. Though I didnt know it at the time, she lied to me and told me the opposite way. It was a big joke. Once I found my homeroom, I discovered that she was in my homeroom with her boyfriend, Fitz, and they just wanted to play a joke on the new kid. It didnt bother me. I really didnt care.

"We were like cats and dogs. I had a couple other classes with her and we argued all the time. Though she didnt seem like it, she was very smart so most of our arguments were educational. She seemed different than when she was with her boyfriend. When she was with Fitz, she was like a teenage punk, but away from him, she was nice and funny and smart. To this day, I dont know why she was ever with him.

"One night I went to a party my friend, Sav, invited me to. I still didnt know many people besides Sav and his girlfriend and then Julia. But, like I said, Julia and I didnt get along. During a game of _seven minutes in heaven_, Julia and I got put in a closet together. She was drunk. I mean like _drunk_. I dont even think she could walk straight. She really tried to kiss me that night but I wouldnt let her. She was drunk and I knew she had a boyfriend. I'm not that type of guy. Later that night, her boyfriend was passed out drunk. He was like dead asleep so she had no where to go. I took her to my place and let her sleep on the couch. When she woke up we went to this park on this bench and talked. She told me that her and her boyfriend were more like 'friends with benefits.' That they were with each other when they were single. Other things were said and...we kissed.

"We ended up boyfriend and girlfriend. Over the two years that we dated she went through a lot of family issues. That's how she met KC. She was put into the same group home as him and they became really close. I helped her through it all along with KC. Once she was able to move out of the group home, she moved in with me. I've been imancipated since I was 16 so there wasnt a problem. When Julia told me she was pregnant, I immediatly loved the baby. We came up with the name Brandon Alexander.

"The very next day, me, Julia and KC were painting Brandon's room. Julia wanted to get a baby book. You know, those books that help you get through pregnancies. I told her tomorrow, or I'd go, but Julia was a very persistant girl. She always did what she wanted no matter what, so she went that night to buy the book. The store was only a block away so she walked. And she got hit by a car. And she...she died," I choked on the last word. I still havent accepted it.

There was a few moments of silence so she could let this all sink it.

"Wow," was all Clare could say. I stood up and she followed me to Morty. I drove her back to her house.

I turned the car off when we pulled into the driveway and I looked at her. "Thank you, Clare." I said, sincerely.

"For what?" she asked.

"You tried. You really tried to make me happy, but that isnt going to happen unless I'm with Julia,"

She smiled and got out of the car. Before she walked away, she leaned into the window. "I hope you can be happy one day, Eli,"

"I will. I'll be happy very soon," I said quietly and started the car. She gave me a look of horror and confusion and stepped away from the car, then watched me drive away.

I got back to my house and tore off my jacket. I ran straight into the bathroom and grabbed all the pills there were. Even simple ones like Advil. It took four handle fulls but I finally swallowed them all. It wasnt going to work right away so I grabbed my phone. I sent a text to KC and prayed he understood.

_KC, I cant do it anymore. I know you will hate me and I know Julia will, too, but I cant be in this pain. I'm serious this time and not even Julia is gonna stop me. To put it bluntly, I'm going to kill myself, KC. And even if it's not much to you, just know that I love you, man. You really cared for Julia and after she was gone you really cared for me. You'll be okay. You have a good head on your shoulders. Keep going with your life and be happy. Thank you for everything._

I shut my phone off. I didnt need to see his reply. I felt the pills start to kick in and I instantly felt dizzy. I felt like I was gonna hurl. My vision started to blur until shapes formed together. I stumbled my way into the bedroom, using the wall for support, and laid down in the bed for the first time since Julia died.

"Julia," My words were slurred and my body was numb. This was gonna work. I didnt even wait for Julia to answer me. "I know you're gonna hate me for this, but I dont care. I _cant_ do it anymore. You keep telling me to be happy, but I cant be if I'm alive. I'm in pain all the time. _All the time_, Julia. But I know that if I'm dead and if I'm with you, then I can be happy. Indirectly, this is what you wanted. You want me to be happy and right now, I havent felt happier. I love you,"

**Author's note: so...yeah. Originally Eli wasnt gonna commit suicide or even die in this book but I changed it so he did. Like? Dislike? Can you please let me know? (:**

**Also, I'm writing a Munro Chambers fanfiction about a fan meeting him and them falling in love. I'm debating whether or not I wanna put it on FF. I kinda want to. Would guys be up to reading it. You should let me know in a review. Thanks for reading guys. xoxo**

**~Karlee**


End file.
